


even if you leave me, if i can watch you (i'm happy that's enough)

by thewoundupbird



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 17:05:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9247238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewoundupbird/pseuds/thewoundupbird
Summary: Moonbyul always watches Solar leave, just hoping that she’ll return to her.





	

 

Moonbyul has always had that tendency to follow people around.When she was a little girl, her mother had told her that she had followed her around like a baby duckling, thumb in mouth and wobbly legs staggering after her.Apparently, it had almost gotten annoying when little Byulyi would stubbornly cling to her mother, crying and whimpering when she left the house.And when she had finally managed to pry the small child from her side, Byulyi would press her face to the window pane, waiting patiently for whenever her mother would come back.

 

This clinginess was a trait that stuck with her throughout middle school and high school.Following friends around like some sort of puppy, linking arms and grinning widely to get them to stay with her.

 

“Are you in love with me or something?” one of her best friends had teased.Moonbyul wanted to say yes, wanted to acknowledge the strange ache in her chest that she felt when her friend would giggle at one of Moonbyul’s stupid jokes.Or tuck a strand of lose hair behind her ear.

 

“I just like following you around.”

 

Correction: Moonbyul had a tendency to follow the people she _loved_ around.

 

And Yongsun was absolutely no exception. 

 

Moonbyul remembered the beginning of their relationship.After finally getting the girl to realize that no she wasn’t disrespecting her on purpose, she just looked so damn young that thinking this supposed _unnnie_ was younger was absolutely _absurd_ , they began to hang out more.

 

She had initiated that of course.Yongsun was so incredibly shy that nothing would have progressed if she hadn’t pushed for it.

 

The first time Moonbyul got the other girl to hang out with her outside of practice was after a grueling dance session that left the two of them dripping in sweat.As a few of the other trainees filed out, giving her friendly waves, she paused at the door.Although Wheein had sent her a text message asking if she wanted to eat with her and Hyejin, Moonbyul caught sight of Yongsun.Her ear pieces were stuffed firmly in her ears as she crouched down to zip up her bag, eyes sharp with concentration.It was rare to see the other girl smile during practice.Always so intently focused while singing or trying to nail a dance move.

 

Moonbyul admired that about her, of course.The focus could be intimidating but she had witnessed far worse in the industry.Trainees had to be tough anyway.

 

As the other girl slung her gym bag over her shoulder, wiping her forehead with the sleeve of her sweatshirt, she paused as she took in Moonbyul standing uncertainly at the door.Moonbyul gestured for her to take out an ear bud.

 

After a painfully long moment she complied.

 

“What’s wrong?” she asked, her voice a bit tense.

 

“Yongsun. Unnie.”

 

“Yes?”

 

Moonbyul licked her lips, getting up the nerve to ask what she had been practicing in her head for the past five minutes.

 

“Would you like to get dinner with me?There’s a great new _ddukbokki_ place down the street that I’ve been wanting to try.”

 

“You’re inviting me to eat with you?”

 

Moonbyul couldn’t stop herself from thinking how cute the other girl looked, seemingly flummoxed at how another person would want to eat with her.

 

“I would!You like _ddukbokki_ right?”

 

The other girl nodded once.

 

“Well we can eat it together then!I’m pretty good company after all.”

 

“Don’t you normally eat with Wheein and Hyejin?”

 

“Well maybe tonight I want to eat with you.”

 

And Moonbyul had paused as she felt her cheeks heat up from such a straightforward admission.Luckily for her, Yongsun saved her from being too embarrassed because her mouth pulled up into a bright smile.And Moonbyul thought to herself that she definitely wanted her to smile like that again and again and again.

 

With time and many initiated dinners, Yongsun began to open up just as Moonbyul had hoped.Although initially very introverted, after some prodding, the other girl showed just how strange and adorable she was. Every new side of Yongsun that Moonbyul witnessed was more interesting and lovable than last.There was the Yongsun would have impromptu rap battles with her until they were both red-faced and giggling. There was the Yongsun who insistently mothered her by forcing her to eat with homemade meals and stay warm with old sweaters.And there was her favorite Yongsun, the one who would hold her when she was sniffling over the feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness as Moonbyul struggled as a rapper during their debut.

 

With the revealing of each new side was this growing desire for Moonbyul to have the girl like her as much as she liked her.She fell back on the easiest way to show her affection: waiting.So despite how long she would have to wait for her after practice was over and Yongsun wanted to nail a particular dance move, she would sit in the back, playing with her phone until it was over.Or getting up with a sigh and joining Yongsun in a focused dance session. 

 

Waiting was easy, Moonbyul found, if it was for Yongsun. 

 

“Aren’t you tired?” Yongsun asked one day as they were walking back to their rooftop house together, arms linked for warmth on a blustery February night.

 

Moonbyul shrugged, peeking at the other girl from behind her bangs.

 

“If I’m with Yongsun-unnie it isn’t so bad.Plus I know how much you hate walking back home alone.”

 

Yongsun’s mouth twitched a bit at the comment and she held on a bit tighter to Moonbyul’s arm.

 

“At least next time bring a blanket or something.I felt so bad watching you fall asleep on only that hard chair.”

 

“It was worth it for Yongsun-unnie, though.And seeing you dancing as I fell asleep was definitely easy on the eyes.”

 

“S-stop being so weird!”

 

But Moonbyul just laughed.

 

Although initially she had followed around the other girl because she wanted to draw out this shy and introverted person and befriend her, Moonbyul’s intentions changed.With every moment that Yongsun threw back her head and laughed shamelessly or gripped Moonbyul’s hand during a scary movie, she found herself wanting to follow the other girl everywhere.From room to room, table to couch, dance studio to recording room.Moonbyul couldn’t stop herself from following her like some sort of puppy. 

 

Even though it was so obvious why she was following around Kim Yongsun like someone in love she never admitted it to herself until-

 

They were freshly debuted and Moonbyul was waiting off to the side, playing with the silly black moustache ring of her finger and cracking a joke with the rest of the girls.Wheein was laughing like a barking puppy and Hyejin was chuckling at her side as well.But Yongsun was distractedly checking her phone with a frown.Moonbyul tried not to let her non-reaction distract her from the time with the other girls but she couldn’t help the way her eyes would flick to how hard Yongsun was looking at her screen, eyes hard with critical concentration.

 

“Unnie, what is it?” she asked without thinking when Yongsun let out her fifth sigh.

 

“I’m just monitoring the performance.I missed a note,” Yongsun muttered quietly with an annoyed growl.“I’m going to call the studio tonight and hopefully they’ll let me practice.” 

 

Determinedlym she tapped a few buttons on the screen and purposefully strode off.And even though Hyejin and Wheein were already talking about something else, Moonbyul found herself staring at Yongsun’s back and thinking to herself that even if she had to only be following Yongsun’s back for the rest of her life she would be happy because she loved-

 

_Loved_?

 

And that had been the beginning of _that_. 

 

She finally could put a word to that pathetic feeling she had crawling in her chest whenever Yongsun wasn’t paying attention to her or leaving her.Moonbyul’s love, she realized, could only manifest in desperate grabs for attention and clingy holds on Yongsun.Although it was childish it was all out of a desire to have some hold on the other girl.Moonbyul would desperately hold onto Yongsun’s back as she was leaving her if only it would mean she could be at her side.

 

Pathetic right?

 

Or at least that’s what she had asked Wheein shortly after Mamamoo had released a new OST for a drama that only required the three vocals to record.Yongsun was still in the studio and Moonbyul was feeling a bit lonely as she took a few shots of _soju_ with feigned ease.

 

“You what?”

 

“I said I would settle for hugging her back if it mean I could be with her.”

 

“Even if she was leaving?”

 

Moonbyul let out a guttural groan, slamming her shot glass down on the plastic table with emphasis.

 

“Especially if she was leaving!Wheein-ah, I really love her okay? Isn’t that… isn’t that so _sad_?”

 

The other girl looked so much like a damn puppy as Moonbyul grinned at her pathetically, pouring her own shot.

 

“Unnie… unnie does Yongsun-unnie know that?”

 

“Why does she need to know?It’d just make things worse honestly.Don’t these kind of confessions make things harder for everyone?”

 

“But what about Yongsun-unnie? Don’t you think this would make her sad?”

 

Moonbyul just shrugged,pressing her elbows onto the table as she tried to recenter herself.The small barbecue place was spinning a bit. 

 

“Better her then me, Wheein-ah.”

 

“Oh, unnie.You shouldn’t think that.”

 

“You think Yongsun-unnie would take me having feelings for her well?”

 

Wheein bit her lip at that and Moonbyul wanted to muss her hair affectionately.She missed and almost ended up falling into the smaller girl’s lap.

 

“Unnie, just what are you going to do if she goes to places you can’t follow? I won’t always be there for you to drink your feelings away.”

 

Moonbyul had smiled sadly at that.Wheein was always too sharp for her. 

 

Maybe things would have continued that way forever.Moonbyul always willing to follow and wait with her face pressed against the window, waiting for Yongsun to come back. 

 

But one day, nearly a year after that night with Wheein, she and Yongsun were sitting in the girl’s room, watching a television show on a laptop.The lights were dim, the only things illuminated were the girls’ faces.Solar was staring intently at the screen.Moonbyul was staring intently at Yongsun. 

 

“Don’t you think that’s sad?” Yongsun breathed out glancing at Moonbyul as she gestured at the screen.

 

“What is?”

 

“He’s always running after her like a puppy.She’s just dragging him around and he’s just there always waiting around for her.”

 

“He does that because he loves her.”

 

Yongsun wrinkled her nose at that, eyes returning to the screen.Moonbyul was grateful for that because she didn’t have to worry about her face giving herself away.

 

“Don’t you think that’s sort of unfair for him though?And a bit of a burden for the girl?He’s heaping his feelings and hopes onto her without her knowing.That’s so much pressure.”

 

“Maybe he can’t help it.Because he loves her.”

 

“But still!It’s just a sad situation.”

 

“Unrequited love usually is.”

 

Yongsun paused at that, jaw working as if she was contemplating a particularly difficult page of sheet music. 

 

“What if… what if it wasn’t unrequited love? What if she loved him and wanted to share his burdens with her? But she… didn’t know how to.”

 

Something felt strange in Moonbyul’s chest.The unfamiliar tendrils of hope.

 

“I think he would be fine with whatever way she told him.I think he would love any of the ways she chose to.”

 

And Yongsun turned and looked Moonbyul in the face and she did nothing to hide that look of affection that she would save for the moments when the other girl was not looking. 

 

“I’ve seen you look at me before, Byul-ah.I’m not blind to your feelings despite how dense you think I am.”

 

“I never said you were dense.”

 

“But you must/ve been thinking it.I don’t know why else you didn’t think of telling me.”

 

Moonbyul sighed and dropped her head, the sound of the unwatched drama white noise to this heavy conversation.

 

“I… I wanted to tell you.But I thought it would be easier and less burdensome if I just silently kept it in.”

 

“You would have rather looked at my back leaving you behind than stop me and tell me you how you actually felt?” 

 

Moonbyul nearly flinched when she felt warm hands grip the underside of her jaw and gently tip her chin upwards.Until she was looking at warm brown eyes. 

 

“Do you know,” Yongsun murmured quietly in an urgent voice, “what it feels like to feel your eyes on my back and _sense_ the sadness and pining that’s pouring out of them?Do you know what it’s like to feel how your arms tighten around me when I try to move away?”

 

“Does it disgust you then?”

 

Moonbyul felt tears in her eyes but she had to know.Even if the feeling of rejection already was twisting her chest like a rusted knife, she had to know now.There was no turning back.

 

The hands resting under her jaw slid down to stay at the juncture between her neck and shoulder.

 

“Byul-ah, I ask you these question because it’s so hard to feel the burden of your gaze but not be able to acknowledge what those feelings are.Do you know how hard it is to see you look at me so sadly and not be able to say a word? I can’t even help you because you never let me.”

 

Confusedly blinking as tears slid down her cheeks, Moonbyul was vaguely aware of Yongsun leaning forward, tilting her head slightly.

 

“From now on… can you lean on me?Can you send me off with a smile because you know I’ll come back to you as yours?”

 

“Mine?” Moonbyul whispered, tasting how the word sounded on her mouth, so sweet and unfathomable.That was also the taste of Yongsun as she pressed her lips gently against hers, hands dragging up to grip the sides of her face. 

 

The only thing that interrupted them was the crash of the laptop falling off the bed, very much forgotten.

 

Moonbyul had pulled back, leaning on her elbows with Yongsun on top of her, and had laughed.

 

Sometimes she wishes that she can laugh as easily as she had that day when Yongsun must transform into Solar and leave her.Be it at a concert venue, or a schedule, Moonbyul tries to stave off the sad child waiting forlornly for something she doesn’t think is coming back to her.

 

Instead, Moonbyul stands straight and tries to send off Yongsun with a smile.

 

This time is no different.

 

It is after a successful end of the year performance.Moonbyul and Yongsun have barely minutes allowed to each other before Solar has to go off to be Eric Nam’s virtual wife for an award ceremony.But in an empty dressing room, her skirt hiked up to her waist, Yongsun is all Moonbyul’s.

 

Peppering light kisses from her collarbone to the underside of her jaw, Moonbyul relishes in the soft sounds Yongsun makes beneath her.Sounds that only she is allowed to hear. 

 

“I have to go soon.” Moonbyul makes an affirmative noise as she sucks wetly at a patch of skin she knows will be covered by the dress Yongsun will be wearing at the awards ceremony.Instead of pushing her away with another warning, hands loosely grip the wave of Moonbyul’s hair, pulling her closer.

 

“You’re playing dirty.You know I love when you… _ungh_ … do that.”

 

“Maybe I just don’t like it when you leave,” Moonbyul teases with a near growl, giving Yongsun a last hard kiss against the mouth with a bit too much teeth.When she pulls back, she slides easily off the other girl, letting her straighten her skirt and wipe at the smudged makeup on her cheeks. 

 

“The coordinator unnie is probably hysterical since you were supposed to be getting your make-up done two minutes ago.”

 

Moonbyul feels warm arms wrap around her shoulders and breath tickle her ear.

 

“Whose fault is that?”

 

“Mine,” she says proudly, ducking away from the playful swat aimed at her head.

 

“You’re just lucky I love when you wear ties.”

 

“Oh because that’s the only reason you dragged me into this dressing room?”

 

Yongsun just grins as she starts walking out of the dressing room.Moonbyul strides forward and they leave together, side by side with matching grins.She follows the other girl dutifully to the coordinator unnie who is predictably at wit’s end with a staff member. 

 

Moonbyul waits outside the dressing room and in an amazingly short matter of minutes, Yongsun appears in a dramatic white dress with a low neckline exposing cleavage.She cannot help but shamelessly let her eyes linger at the exposed skin for a moment too long, before meeting Yongsun’s red face.

 

“Moon Byulyi, you’re disgraceful.”

 

She doesn’t even try to give an excuse.

 

And too soon Moonbyul is walking Yongsun to the door.The other girl slides on her padded black jacket and she just watches , wordlessly handing her a warmed drink when she is done.They exchange a glance then and Moonbyul just smiles and waggles her fingers as they step outside amongst screaming fans and startling cold, trying to not let the usual lonely sadness cloud her eyes.

 

“Come back safely,” she murmurs as Yongsun’s name is called urgently by one of their managers. 

 

“I’ll see you soon.We can watch that new episode of Goblin later.”

 

Moonbyul gives Yongsun a crooked smile and nods.When the other girl turns away and straightens her back Moonbyul watches Yongsun transform into Solar in a matter of steps, rushing off to possibly receive an award for being a couple with Eric Nam. 

 

And although it stings a bit to see Yongsun’s retreating back get farther and farther away, Moonbyul knows now that she didn’t need to restlessly press her face against the glass waiting with worry for her to come back.She knows now, as she walks back to the building with a smile, that Yongsun will always return to her. 

**Author's Note:**

> I've kinda wanted to write these two for awhile again but the muse has been kind of dead. This was inspired by the pictures of Moonbyul watching Solar leaving for the award ceremony for KBS. Moonsun really is too sweet.


End file.
